Subject 69: Jakob, 33
I didn’t think it was possible, but your life is somehow a cross between a romantic comedy and a Saw movie. Let’s call it, “Fifty Shades of Jake.” Sure, you’ve got a “creative” interpretation of the proper use for household tools. And I bet that Cigarette only showed up because you ran out of candle wax. But wait, who’s that Running guy coming through the Fog? Is that you, Jakob? Are those Hearts for me? And is that…a Ring?! Nope, no, it’s a Hammer.
Just remember my safety word.
Diagnostic emoji: Hands + Lock
Prescribed emoji: Pencil + Open book + Smirking face
Subject 69: Jakob, 33
Subject 68: Lexi, 24
This reads like one of those candlelight chants that 13-year-old girls do at slumber parties, right after watching The Craft for the third time that night.
"Lexi, Lexi, Queen of Hearts.
Sunlight enters, Moon departs.
Circle of flowers, sweets and love.
Raise your hand, touch from above.
Press the seashell to your ear.
Listen closely and OMFG IT’S A GUN.”
Diagnostic emoji: Videocassette + Smiling Face with Horns
Prescribed emoji: Police Officer
Subject 67: Katy, 29
Let’s talk about the hotly-contested emoji in the upper left corner. Some say it’s a prayer. Others swear it’s a high-five. But I think you’ve added a third definition to the debate: Struggle Hands.
See, the left hand is about that wild life (Cocktail glass, Party popper, Pig face), but the right hand is about that honorable life (Baby angel, Japanese castle, Face without mouth). The presence of both America’s and England’s flags are no small coincidence, you’re living your own personal Revolutionary War. And as the great hero Paul Revere once said, “The Cheeseburgers are coming.”
Diagnostic emoji: Smiling face with horns vs. Smiling face with halo
Prescribed emoji: Ice cream + Music notes (Deep thinking time)
Subject 66: Tiffani, 32
Hey, Tiff. Wanna hear a joke?
Q: How many Tiffanis does it take to screw in a Lightbulb emoji?
A: 12. One to screw in the bulb, and 11 to strap Tiffani to a bed because she’s a fucking lunatic.
Let’s start with the fact that the angelic Halo face has never, ever, in the history of emoji, been used non-ironically. Which means there’s a 100% chance it was either preceded by a creepy drunk sext (see: Clinking beers, Winking/Kissing faces), or a story about taking revenge on a girl who threw shade at you on the dance floor by emptying an entire packet of Pop Rocks into her vodka soda (see: Unamused face, Dancer, Tongue, Explosion symbol).
Shade is everywhere, Tiff. Next time just ask yourself, WWBD? (What Would Beyonce Do?)
Prescribed emoji: Playing card with Joker (Wild card)
Diagnostic emoji: Crown + Bee + Pencil + Notebook (Beyonce Class)
Happy Emoji Day!
Fun fact: The Calendar emoji, set to July 17 (7/17), is a letter number cipher encrypting the code G.A.G., which stands for “Global Authoritarian Government.”
The inventors of emoji are notoriously shrouded in mystery, but many claim that they have deep ties to the Illuminati, and that emoji are actually a plot by the New World Order to infiltrate our communications and eventually, control our lives.
Just kidding, if you believed any of that you’re crazy.
Subject 65: Elif, 42
Come one, come all, to the Circus sideshow that is Elif’s life! Be amazed as Elif’s deeply twisted soul transforms happy Women holding hands into sinister Women with bunny ears. Watch in awe as Elif screams incomprehensibly at her friends in Dolphin whistles and Whale songs. And hold your children close as Elif trades her Top hat for a Crown, and rants maniacally that she’s queen of America, and soon the entire Globe. I thought circuses were supposed to be fun, Elif. This one tastes like Sheep-flavored cotton candy.
Diagnostic emoji: Ferris wheel + Cyclone + Dizzy face
Prescribed emoji: Performing arts + School
Subject 64: Dan, 30
When I was growing up, I had a friend who’d always eat his vegetables. No whining, no fuss. Just down the hatch. His mom was so proud she’d let him play longer than all the other kids. Know what he did with that extra time? He burned shit.
Dolls. Insects. My New Kids On the Block posters. Mom never knew. But I’m not your mother. And all these healthimojis aren’t masking the fact that you obviously robbed a fucking hospital. You do not have the right stuff, Dan. This is not hangin’ tough.
Diagnostic emoji: Fire + Broken heart
Prescribed emoji: Ear + Music notes + Squared “New” + Children crossing + “On” with exclamation mark + Black square
Subject 63: Meredith, 28
Wait seriously? This emoji set’s got more drama than if every Real Housewife appeared on an episode of House while living inside the Real World house. A Roller coaster. The always-loaded Speech Bubble. Four hearts paired with zero smiley faces. A Wine glass + Skull combo, aka “The Cersei Lannister.” A LITERAL FUCKING RED FLAG. I’d say the Horse face was a plus if I wasn’t so sure it was a not-so-subtle message you left under somebody’s bed sheets. I’d love to help you, Meredith, but I’ve got to go change my underwear.
Diagnostic emoji: Steam locomotive + Collision symbol
Prescribed emoji: Circus tent
Subject 62: Mark, 20
You’re either the world’s worst zookeeper or a modern-day prophet. This appears to be a mass-text to everyone in your contact list with a warning (Loudspeaker) of impending annihilation (Skull) unless we gather up all our animals into a Tram car since, you know, arks are a bit dramatic. Then it’s time to throw on a sexy Musical score of the “Heart with arrow” variety and repopulate the Earth, baby! It’s all a bit much. But I guess the alternative was you walking through my neighborhood at 3am with a “The End is Nigh” sign, so, thanks for not doing that.
Diagnostic emoji: Animal emoji + Love hotel
Prescribed emoji: Water wave