Subject 66: Tiffani, 32
Hey, Tiff. Wanna hear a joke?
Q: How many Tiffanis does it take to screw in a Lightbulb emoji?
A: 12. One to screw in the bulb, and 11 to strap Tiffani to a bed because she’s a fucking lunatic.
Let’s start with the fact that the angelic Halo face has never, ever, in the history of emoji, been used non-ironically. Which means there’s a 100% chance it was either preceded by a creepy drunk sext (see: Clinking beers, Winking/Kissing faces), or a story about taking revenge on a girl who threw shade at you on the dance floor by emptying an entire packet of Pop Rocks into her vodka soda (see: Unamused face, Dancer, Tongue, Explosion symbol).
Shade is everywhere, Tiff. Next time just ask yourself, WWBD? (What Would Beyonce Do?)
Prescribed emoji: Playing card with Joker (Wild card)
Diagnostic emoji: Crown + Bee + Pencil + Notebook (Beyonce Class)
Subject 66: Tiffani, 32
Happy Emoji Day!
Fun fact: The Calendar emoji, set to July 17 (7/17), is a letter number cipher encrypting the code G.A.G., which stands for “Global Authoritarian Government.”
The inventors of emoji are notoriously shrouded in mystery, but many claim that they have deep ties to the Illuminati, and that emoji are actually a plot by the New World Order to infiltrate our communications and eventually, control our lives.
Just kidding, if you believed any of that you’re crazy.
Subject 65: Elif, 42
Come one, come all, to the Circus sideshow that is Elif’s life! Be amazed as Elif’s deeply twisted soul transforms happy Women holding hands into sinister Women with bunny ears. Watch in awe as Elif screams incomprehensibly at her friends in Dolphin whistles and Whale songs. And hold your children close as Elif trades her Top hat for a Crown, and rants maniacally that she’s queen of America, and soon the entire Globe. I thought circuses were supposed to be fun, Elif. This one tastes like Sheep-flavored cotton candy.
Diagnostic emoji: Ferris wheel + Cyclone + Dizzy face
Prescribed emoji: Performing arts + School
Subject 64: Dan, 30
When I was growing up, I had a friend who’d always eat his vegetables. No whining, no fuss. Just down the hatch. His mom was so proud she’d let him play longer than all the other kids. Know what he did with that extra time? He burned shit.
Dolls. Insects. My New Kids On the Block posters. Mom never knew. But I’m not your mother. And all these healthimojis aren’t masking the fact that you obviously robbed a fucking hospital. You do not have the right stuff, Dan. This is not hangin’ tough.
Diagnostic emoji: Fire + Broken heart
Prescribed emoji: Ear + Music notes + Squared “New” + Children crossing + “On” with exclamation mark + Black square
Subject 63: Meredith, 28
Wait seriously? This emoji set’s got more drama than if every Real Housewife appeared on an episode of House while living inside the Real World house. A Roller coaster. The always-loaded Speech Bubble. Four hearts paired with zero smiley faces. A Wine glass + Skull combo, aka “The Cersei Lannister.” A LITERAL FUCKING RED FLAG. I’d say the Horse face was a plus if I wasn’t so sure it was a not-so-subtle message you left under somebody’s bed sheets. I’d love to help you, Meredith, but I’ve got to go change my underwear.
Diagnostic emoji: Steam locomotive + Collision symbol
Prescribed emoji: Circus tent
Subject 62: Mark, 20
You’re either the world’s worst zookeeper or a modern-day prophet. This appears to be a mass-text to everyone in your contact list with a warning (Loudspeaker) of impending annihilation (Skull) unless we gather up all our animals into a Tram car since, you know, arks are a bit dramatic. Then it’s time to throw on a sexy Musical score of the “Heart with arrow” variety and repopulate the Earth, baby! It’s all a bit much. But I guess the alternative was you walking through my neighborhood at 3am with a “The End is Nigh” sign, so, thanks for not doing that.
Diagnostic emoji: Animal emoji + Love hotel
Prescribed emoji: Water wave
Subject 61: Ben, 38
A lesser emojinalysist would see the Soccer ball and German flag and think, “He was texting about this afternoon’s US/GER World Cup match.” But you’re dealing with the greatest here. This is obviously a plot to destroy America.
There’s Pizza + Crying face, in which you take away our most important food. There’s Beer + Confused face, in which you remove the alcohol from our booze. And the coup de grace. While we were distracted by the game, you stole all our grandparents from their Florida casinos and flew them overseas (Palm tree + Cherries + Airplane), so there’d be nobody to remind us to eat or wear a little jacket when it’s cold out, thus ensuring we starve and freeze to death.
That Kiss mark isn’t flirtatious is it, Ben? It’s you Fredo’ing us goodbye.
Diagnostic emoji: American flag + Skull
Prescribed emoji: Keycap 2 + Keycap 4 (Jack Bauer)
Subject 60: Jessica, 31
Yesterday I got an email from a “Miss Selina” who wanted to “please to get to know me” and maybe “find with each other fun times.” I think it came from you. Seems like you’re drawing people in with Lipstick, High heels and dreams of Ring and Bride. But when they meet you, “Miss Selina” is actually 300-lb Man in Turban who slips you a Pill, hits you with a Hammer, and at least has the decency to use a Syringe of anesthetic while he removes a few vital organs. I thought you were the one, Miss Selina. I thought we could find the fun times forever.
Diagnostic emoji: Face with medical mask + Broken heart
Prescribed emoji: Rose (Let’s start over?)
Subject 59: @eHarmony, Age Unknown
As in the actual eHarmony.com (Proof.) I know, it’s random as hell.
So, I’m a bit lost here, eHarmony. Is this the recently used emoji of everyone at the company? Do you all share a phone, including that old dude? I assume that could get confusing. You’re probably accidentally sending hearts and kisses to the wrong people all the time. Or is it not an accident? Maybe being surrounded by love has led to a culture where everyone is free to love one another. One phone, full of hearts, can’t lose! (Unless there’s something going on with that Koala. Actually, what is up with that Koala you guys?)
Diagnostic emoji: Man and woman holding hands; Two women holding hands; Two men holding hands
Prescribed emoji: Heart + Equal sign + Heart. (Love is Love.)
Subject 58: Jamie, 21
Throw around all the Lipstick and High heel emoji you want, Jamie. It’s not covering up the elephant in the room. (No, not the Elephant emoji.) You do realize that the last person to use the Penguin and Top hat emoji was bleeding from the mouth while texting a selfie of himself to Batman, right? And at least he had a “mommy never loved me” excuse. I’m not saying you’re some underworld-dwelling maniac. But I am saying you’re a Closed umbrella short.
Diagnostic emoji: Bird + Imp
Prescribed emoji: Fist + Collision symbol + Double exclamation marks (Comic book punch)